The Tears Continue

I have lost track of how many good versus sad days we've had over the first 8 days of school. What I do know is that today was one of the saddest. Everyone was up and happy and dressed for school and grabbing their backpacks in the kitchen when Emma starts her, "I'm not going to school" chant. It came out of nowhere but I soon found out what it stemmed from. She said over and over she wasn't going to school; she wasn't ready for kindergarten. I asked her why she wasn't ready and she said she didn't know. Then it hit me. She had to move her worm from green to yellow yesterday for talking during the fire drill! I asked her again, why don't you want to go to school today? You did fabulous yesterday walking through the carpool line. You had a great day. You liked it yesterday. Then she told me, "I'm not ready because I didn't keep my worm on green yesterday. I had to move it to yellow. I don't want to go back to school and move it to yellow again." Yesterday she said she was embarrassed in class but she didn't cry like one of the other little girls that moves hers all the way to red and then cries! I have never made it a big deal if one of the girls has to be reminded about talking in class by moving their color from green to yellow. It has happened so seldom over the years, that I never punish them at home. I simply reminded Emma not to talk during the fire drill and now that she knew the rule, she wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. She would be quiet the next time and learn from her mistake. As a side note, as soon as Emma got off the bus yesterday she whispered to me, "Mom when we get home I need to talk to you in private about something sad." When we got home she asked me to come to the playroom where Hannah couldn't hear her! She proceeded to tell me her story. So, it definitely bothered her that she had to move her worm because she didn't want anyone to know. It embarrasses both of the girls when they are disciplined by teachers or any adult really. They get it honestly. When I was little (actually my entire life.) If a teacher had to reprimand me I would sometimes cry, but if I somehow managed to hold the tears in, I would have a HUGE lump in my throat and I would be mortified from embarrassment. I couldn't stand to be less than perfect in their eyes and I was totally embarrassed that my peers heard me get reprimanded. What makes us that way? My peers were usually in more trouble than me, they probably could have cared less that I was being asked to be quiet. Why was I so worried about being pointed out for talking? I don't want my girls to be super sensitive. How do you teach them to be respectful and that it is very important to listen to the teacher and do your best to always obey, but don't sweat the small stuff like moving your worm one time! Anyway, I digress.....back to this morning. Emma told me and Joe (on the phone) over and over "I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL." She doesn't say it disrespectfully, just adamantly. She says it with such conviction. She is a strong little girl. She says it as if it is TRUTH and if she says it enough times, it will come true. I decided I was going to pull up into the carpool line anyway. I knew if I parked and walked her in, it would not be any easier. She would just cling to me and cry even harder. We started the carpool deal to help Hannah get over her fear of going into school and she has done fabulously all week. Emma had no trouble going to school until we started the carpool and since then she has struggled. So, I have mixed emotions. I am helping one child while it seems to be hurting the other. Well, we pull up and Emma sits there. Seat belt still fastened, arms crossed over her chest, chanting, "I am not going to school. I'm not ready." The teacher opens the door and Emma doesn't budge. Hannah gets out and I unfasten Emma's seat belt. She gets out of the seat and comes up and clings to me. She was crying and very sad. The teacher said she would walk her to class and tell her teacher to take extra good care of her this morning. Emma finally got out after much coaxing, but she looked through the passenger window with big crocodile tears, and a look of "How can you make me do this, please come rescue me?" I told her I loved her and she would be fine and I had to drive off so the cars behind me could get through the line. I know this is a season and it too will pass. I am aware that a few tears before school is very minor, but it is still hard to leave your child when she is sad and she wants you to rescue her from her pain. It reminded me of Jesus going to the cross. How RIDICULOUSLY HARD it must have been for God to leave his child on that cross in pain and hurting. How He did it, I know not. I would have swooped down and healed his wounds and carried him home if I were God. Today I wanted to park, swoop up my Emma and tell her not to worry anymore. But sometimes life is hard. Kindergarten for heavens sake is hard to get used to, because it is new. I know Emma will face many new things throughout her life. I want to make each new transition easy and painless, but sometimes I can't. That is a hard pill to swallow as a parent. Helping your child grow up when it sometimes comes with tears and sadness. So, keep praying for my little Emma and pray that she stays on green so her spirit isn't crushed. I don't begrudge the teacher for moving Emma's color. I just know my child better than her and having to move her color the first week of school was a hard lesson to learn. I can't remember Emma ever being disciplined in preschool. Maybe once in the two year old class! So, pray that she does well today and that her teacher helps her be successful.