A post of ramblings

I have felt that this entire past year of my life has been a bit of a trial. There have been many circumstances that have felt beyond my control which have left me wondering where God is in the midst of all the chaos. I admit I have had days where I ask God, "Where are you and why aren't you doing something about all of this?" During my pregnancy with Carter I wondered why I had to be closely monitored and have test after test done each week. After Carter's birth I questioned why God allowed Carter to be sick, have life saving surgery at 6 days old, and be hospitalized for two weeks. Last fall I wondered why God was allowing Joe's job to suffer and our finances to quickly be depleted when the Lumber industry went downhill. My own business has suffered immensely over the past year and my income is 1/2 of what it used to be. I find myself routinely asking God, "Isn't this enough? Haven't we been tested enough?" When I have fervently prayed that I would be able to continue to nurse Carter for the entire first year, I feel that God has closed this door as well and hasn't answered my prayers. I just feel a bit worn out tonight and I'm tired of running a seemingly uphill battle. I have been exercising faithfully (not Biggest Loser style but pretty intense for me). I am working harder than I've worked in a very long time. I am watching every bite of food I consume and I'm still gaining weight. I have gained 10-12 pounds in 2 months. How is this possible you ask? I asked the same thing. The only thing I have done differently is to get back on birth control after Carter was born. BINGO! I went to the website of my new birth control today and the #1 side effect listed was that 70% of women gain 5-10+ pounds. Another study on the same site said a group of women studied gained an AVERAGE of 11 pounds. Which means some people gained more than 11. So, I think I am in the over 10 pound category. I can't believe this. Yet another thing, I have no control over. I kept asking God each morning when I would weigh, please let there be just a one pound loss. Please don't let all of this be in vain. I kept saying to myself, this is the one area of my life I can control and I'm going to take it back and control how I look and how I feel about myself. But I still kept falling short. I know that if I discontinue the medication I can hopefully get back to normal, but it has been such a blow to the stomach this week as once again, the scale went up instead of down.

I keep repeating the verse, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." I keep going to God. He says come to me..so I come and I don't always come with the best of attitudes, but still I come. I keep asking for the rest my soul longs for. I have a book on Prayer Starters for Busy Moms that Aunt Carol gave me and one of the chapters mentions talking to God throughout the day using simple breath prayers. Prayers that you can say quickly as you inhale and exhale. One of the prayers she mentions is repeating, "My soul finds rest in you alone." So, when I get in a tizzy over things I can't control I try to remember that it is Him that we find rest for our weary souls. I know that He is fighting battles on our behalf. I can look back now and see how He held Carter closely and healed him. I can see what a blessing Carter is to our family and I am so thankful that the Lord added him to our family, even when he wasn't in our plan. I can look back over the last year and see that we will come out stronger from the battles we have faced and are still facing. I was reminded this past week during our Mother's Day sermon that God ALREADY IS everything I need to be. Whatever it is I feel I am lacking in my life as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, business owner, skinny person :) He is already everything I need. So, I keep asking...I keep coming...I keep petitioning, knowing that He hasn't moved. He's still there and hopefully the fog of this past year will soon be lifted and I will see more clearly the LIGHT that I long to see. "I have come to be a light to the world, that whoever believes in me should not remain in darkness. I am the light that has lighted the world; they that follow me will never again walk in darkness, but live their lives in the light. "